In case you're new to this story: I was invited to the Emmys, obsessed about my body, found a dress, spent a day in LA, and spent a morning doing my hair and make-up. Now I will tell you about the limo ride to the Emmys! Please pardon my excessive swearing! I'm just being honest yo.
At some point John had sent me an itinerary of the actual Emmys day: where to be when. Scrolling through the document was weird - it was so normal and clinical, full of logistics, as any itinerary should be, but nowhere did it say, "YOU'RE GOING TO THE EMMYS MOTHERFUCKERS! WAHOO!" So I said that to myself in my head and scrolled down to figure out where to be when. I was to go to the hotel lobby at 2:30 where the limo procession would pick us all up (there was 10 cars in total, just for the Daily Show) and I would be in:
Oh, WHAT THE?!
Um, okay, if you say so. I guess that works for me.
So I went to the hotel bar to meet up with John and my new friend Sarah and I found John expertly tying bow ties, of course. What CAN'T the man do? I don't know.
Sarah took these shots of us, which I will forever cherish because I love them SO MUCH.
Then we went to the lobby where everyone looked fabulous and I met Sam Bee and I worked hard at not falling over in my heels and a producer told me my tag was sticking out the back of my dress. Here is John taking pictures in the lobby.
At 2:30, right on time, limos drove up and we all shuffled into our assigned cars. Here is John Oliver and his wife Kate right before we got in. If you don't know about his wife, you should. She is a badass.
And then all of a sudden I was in my first limo ever, with John Oliver, Jessica Williams, and Larry Wilmore. I sat next to Jessica's sister and John H. and mostly listened to them be funny with each other for the next hour and a half. As we've already discussed, LA is huge and takes at least an hour to get anywhere you want to go. Add a limo traffic jam and it's a miracle we got there at all.
Here's what I remember about the ride: is my lipstick still on? Is it on my teeth? Are my bangs parting weirdly? Why are limos so weird and poorly designed? Why is there no booze in this limo? That's John Oliver! These guys are so funny, man, I wish I was funny like that. I'M GOING TO THE EMMYS MOTHERFUCKERS!
After a very long time it became clear that we were close to the red carpet because things were at a standstill and people appeared outside our windows in red jackets and white gloves.
I've tried to do the math about how many limos there would have to be for the whole show but it made my brain hurt so I stopped. But it must be like, hundreds and hundreds - like every limo in LA, right? Eventually it was time to get out and holy shit, I was getting out of a limo at the Emmys and it felt like when you get ushered on to a ride or slide or something and they just shove you as soon as you're on and there's no time to think, just go, go forth on to that red carpet sea of celebrity and just fucking take all the weirdness in.
There are two red carpets at the Emmys, did you know that? I didn't know that. One is for all the writers and producers and editors and the other is for, well, literally the famous people. So if you're a famous writer or producer or editor, you could be on that carpet too, but mostly it was for actors and A-listers and their dates, which would be me. Ahem.
We got out. We got in line. Lena Dunham was in front of us.
NO BIG DEAL.
Next post: Chapter Seven: The Motherfucking Red Carpet