Some time around 12 things drastically moved into the love/hate camp. We felt like we were being held hostage in our home most days, by our ineptitude and by his puberty. I articulated for the first time, to myself and friends, that I loved my son beyond infinity and he was the best thing that ever happened to me and I hated being a parent. No matter how much practice I had I never seemed to get better at it. No matter how many times we thought ahead and tried to anticipate every possible scenario he would throw us a curveball that left us completely flustered and flabbergasted. Our power dynamic was constantly being pushed to its limits and we were exhausted all of the time. For his 14th birthday we made him a cake and wrote "Get Well Soon" on it. This is the time when I became aware that I was probably doing irreparable harm, this was going to be the time we would need to hash out later, when he was an adult, possibly with a therapist. This is when I was failing.
I don't have pictures of this phase readily available, and that's probably for the best.
At 16 or 17 I felt a return to the first and second phases, the bodily protective and emotional armor phases, as I sensed his bodily and emotional vulnerability in the world; cars, drugs, sex, right wing media, conspiracy theories, cigarettes, restaurant jobs, nocturnal sleep patterns, inertia, were all rushing towards him like they had being cooped up in a cage for his whole life and they couldn't wait to smother him in their harm. I felt a tenderness and empathy that I hadn't been able to tap into for several years, probably because we weren't under constant siege from his hormones anymore. This is when it dawned on me that while I had been in survival mode for the last few years I now had to prepare myself for that last push, the one where you help your child thrive and become big and whole and ready for the enormous world waiting for him, where you aren't directly battling the potential harm coming his way but hopefully equipping him to do battle with it, on his own. While you watch and see. Gulp.